I Miss You, So So Much!

I miss you so SO much is a common griever's lament. I miss my Mom (Mum), my daughter, my husband. I miss my Dad, my brother, my son, my sister and more. Unfortunately there are so many of us who can relate to what it is to lose a loved one. When we are grieving, we have to deal with an onslaught of such stuff. It drowns out all else from our life. There are the relentless tears, the intense sorrow, the emotional outbursts, the identity crisis and the relentless questioning which goes on in our heads. Even worse, worse than anything else is the missing and longing we feel in our hearts. We long to see them and touch them. We long for that, which we can no longer have, their physical presence in our lives. That, to me is the worst thing of all. How do we begin to even comprehend such a thing, never mind learn how to deal with it?

Although it feels worst in the first year of our grief, I believe the missing ends up sitting, parallel parked, alongside our life from now on. It's like a parking warning beeper, sending out signals about how we're doing. Come closer (Missing not too badly), Getting closer (Missing a lot), Stop NOW! (Massive missing meltdown.) I've experienced all three and have learnt some interesting insights along the way.

Brother

Be in the Mire

Who was it that said, "Resistance is futile" and in grieving it so often is. Let yourself be in the mire. Feel all the pain and anguish that is grief. Give yourself permission to just be and let the missing wreak havoc where it will. My only caution is this. Don't stay there forever. Allow yourself some breathing time. Come up for air. No-one can stay in the mire for ever, every single moment of every single day. We all need some fresh air at times.

The Sun will Set

Every day we know that the sun will set. It is a given, a fact of life. A fact of life for you is knowing that each time you experience a "Massive Missing Meltdown", you will get through it. You won't stay in that place forever. The tears will eventually stop. With each MMM, you will know what to expect more and more and with that knowing comes a sense of trust. The beginnings of trust in ourselves, that yes, we can do this. The sun will set. The tears will stop.

Share your Hurt

I posted this on my Facebook profile the other day, "I wish with all my heart I could erase the last 5 years and my son was still here". I know that isn't possible. I know his physical presence has gone but it made me feel a whole lot better saying it.

So, say it. Give your hurt expression. Either by sharing with others, sharing with yourself, or sharing with your "God" if that is meaningful for you. Get it out there and don't let it gobble you whole by keeping it bottled up.

Work with What you Have

As much as we want it to be different, you and I both know we can't have them back as they once were. Something available to all of us then is to work with what we have. Seek solutions out of seemingly hopeless situations by asking, what do I have, what can I have now? It could be making a special ritual where you write a letter to them. Photos and memorabilia are one way their presence stays in your home. Wear a piece of jewellery or photo in your wallet which accompanies you in daily life. Memorial tattoos are very popular now and an enduring way for the symbolism of our loved one to be with us always. Be creative in your ways to keep them always in your life by beginning to work with what you have.

I Miss You, So So Much!

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